Journal Entry Number
by CherryBlossomWish
Summary: AU Yugioh, It's the end of a school day, and Yami is getting ready to leave for the weekend- but he notices that Yugi ran off- leaving his diary behind... Yami knows it's rude, but he's worried for his dear Yugi, and he's curious, so he reads the journal... Will he find out why Yugi is so distant? Will he find out in time? YYxY
1. Prologue

_**A/N: Dear Hannah, you reviewed my story a few days ago and gave me some really creative criticism- **_

_**I know my characters are a little OOC, and maybe just a little too much like the dubbed version- but when I started YGO my friends had given me the manga and DVDs, but they only had the English dub, and I'm not allowed to go online and watch anime (As much as I want to, I would loove to watch the original dub series), so I struggled with trying to get them the right way. I do prefer Jou's accent though. And I would love it if I could atleast keep my characters a little OOC :) **_

_**Yeah, I know, I have a lot of spelling mistakes :) It's because my Word Document is being a retard and so I have to do all my writing on WordPad- I've tried my best fixing it up. I'll try and never make silly mistakes again, but I can't promise much until my dad fixes my computer up ;) **_

_**And, thankyou so much for reviewing to me :) It means so much to me- and don't worry, I love your kind of reviews because it helps me become a better writer :) **_

_**Hopefully you can remain a big help in my journey through 'Journal Entry'! :)**_

Prologue:

It was a nice and warm sunny day, a nice breeze flowing through the peaceful town of Domino. It was 3:20pm and students were waiting for the bell to ring in the local Domino High school- kids and teenagers alike staring at the clock and willing it to tick and tock to 3:30- teachers were tired and were also staring around in a dazed like glance. They were all incredibly bored, the Friday was going way too slow for anyones liking.

Though, In a class of twenty seven students, the time was going quickly. In a room situated on the fifth level of the school building, overlooking the beautiful park, the rowdy students were speaking over the sleeping teacher loudly. Most were speaking of the upcoming weekend and pupil free day on Monday.

Every kid in that room was happy, smiling grinning, laughing. Except for one. But no one noticed.

"Haha, ne, Yami, are you going to the arcade today?" Jou asked, "What about you, Anzu?"

"Y-Yeah- totally!" Anzu grinned at Yami who nodded with a smirk. "What about you, Honda?"

"Totally."

"Ryou?"

"Duh- the arcade is awesome."

"Bakura?"

"Hell no-"

"Oh, come on, Bakura!" Ryou sighed, frowning at his taller look-alike. Bakura was sitting close to his small boyfriend, crossing his arms and stubbornly frowning at the group of smiling friends.

"Why should I? There's no particular prize if I go-" He was stopped in his tracks as Ryou grumbled a little and began whispering a few words in Bakura's left ear. The results were fabulous, as the older immediately smirked. "...Alright Ryou. I'll go."

The small group of friends were sitting in a small bunched up circle, looking at each other meaningfully. They were all involved somehow; you could tell each of them were connected in some kind of communication. Except for one of them.

But no one noticed... Until- "Can I come?" Came a small voice, it belonged to a person tucked in uncomfortably between Ryou and Yami. "...I-It's been a while, after all..."

The group exchanged looks with each other. It broke the boys heart. "Sorry, Yugi, but- d-don't you have to help Jii-chan pack the shop up tonight? Maybe next time."

It was Yugi who was left out, faking a small smile as his hands clenched tightly and painfully. The bandages around his wrists ached as he clenched the nerves and muscles tightly. "...It's all right... And… no- Jii-chan doesn't need my help, but I'd hate to bother you..." He almost said it bitterly. The group nodded nonchalantly and continued on talking, as if the small boys pain meant nothing to them...

Yugi frowned. _'I bet they wouldn't even notice if I ran out right now._..'.

He almost began to cry, but he stopped himself in his tracks. In taking a shaky breath, he continued staring on at the group of friends.

"Yugi, you doin' anything on the weekend?"

"N-No..." Yugi shakily shrugged.

Jou nodded pleasantly, suddenly distracted as Anzu gnashed her teeth at Honda whom was touching her thigh suggestively.

They ignored him.

"Actually." Yugi narrowed his eyes and shot from his feet. "I am doing something on the weekend. Goodbye." And with that- he raced out of the class room, tears dribbling down his cheeks as he cast a final glance at the people he thought were his friends.

...

Yami held his heart as he watched Yugi race out of the classroom. "What's wrong with him?"

"He must feel lonely."

"You guys don't talk to him much-"

"Blame Yami."

"it's not my fault! I... I just can't help... I just can't help it."

"Yeah, lover boy." Anzu smirked, giggling at Yami's mortified yet blushing face.

_**DING DING DING. **_

The bell had rung.

The teacher awoke rather slowly, but her temper arose as quickly as a growing fire. "PUT THE DESKS AND CHAIRS BACK IN THEIR PLACES IMMEDIATELY!" She seemed enraged by the classes decision o create their own circle of clique's.

As everyone placed the desks and metal chairs in their designed areas, the teacher excused them- but she raced out, feeling over excited to leave the class of bumbling buffoon Seniors.

The last remaining students were Jou, Honda and Yami- they were both mumbling pointless things.

'Ah, mom made me apple pie- I hate apple pie'

'At least you have a mom'

'At least you have a dad'

'At least you have a sober parent'

'at least you're allowed to buy what you want'

'whatever, Yami. Selfish ass.'. They were always joking.

But Honda stopped them from leaving the class when he pointed at a table. "Who forgot their books?"

"Isn't dat Yugi's stuff?" Jou questioned, looking from friend to friend curiously.

"Ah- yes it is..." Yami murmured, walking to the pencil case, laptop and journal (Yami was surprised Yugi would write in a journal!) and studying the name scribbled over the covers.

"Should we keep it for the weekend and bring it to him on school-"

"No, I'll go to his house now." Yami murmured shyly. "I think I'll ask him what's wrong with him- he's been acting so quiet and sad..."

"Then will you ask him THE question?"

"...I will... I promise."

The boys nodded slyly, pulling themselves away from the quiet and handsome male. "Bye, Yami- will we see you at the 'arcade' tonight if you chicken out?"

"Yeah- promise, kay? I'll call ya later on the details!" The tricolored haired male smiled uneasily, grabbing his and Yugi's books and rushing out just a few minutes later than Jou and Honda.

He ventured to his locker, where he packed They were long gone, probably gone to an icecream parlour or at the movies.

The journal weighed heavily in my hands- what was wrong with Yugi? Would teh journal have the information he oh-so desired and wanted? Yami knew it was wrong, but he wanted to know- he needed to know what was wrong with the little boy whom Yami had known all his life.

And so- with that final decision, Yami started from the main road down to the park, into a bus shelter where he could sit and read in a sheltered seat.

**'I'm sorry, Yugi- but I need to know'. **

End of prologue.


	2. Journal Entry 1

I do not own Yu-gi-oh!

**Yami's thoughts.**

* * *

Yami had never felt so guilty for taking Yugi's journal, but he was so sick of guessing what was wrong when the silent boy never answered truthfully.

'_What's wrong,_ _Yugi_?' he'd ask.

'_Nothing… you wouldn't care_.'

'_Of course I woul_-'

'_Yami, don't worry…_'

Yami had a feeling that this was his last chance; he wouldn't read every page… Maybe just a few entry's- Yes, Yami thought determined- He'd only read every Entry on every Monday- There had to atleast be some privacy towards Yugi's life- just as long as Yami found out what was troubling the smaller boy.

As long as he found out what was wrong with Yugi, he'd feel better… And he didn't care if Yugi felt betrayed, because Yami just knew something was wrong- he felt it in his stomach, and the sooner he found out, the better he would feel.

He'd rather know what was going on, and being able to fix what was wrong, than have Yugi being silent… distant…

This was Yami's last hope.

* * *

My Journal.

_**This is the silent place  
A place to face the agony  
This is the silent place  
A place for you but not for me...  
**_

_Monday, First day of Term 2 Year Twelve. _

Hello, Journal- or Diary, whichever you prefer.

Today was the start of term two in school. I'm really sad- I know this is the wrong thing to say when I've just started my first ever page on my sixteenth journal.

I've always started a new journal after a new term.

Though... It sucked. My first day sucked.

First of all, when I met up with Yami to walk with him, he just started ignoring me and giving vague answers- it was bad enough that we barely even met up on the holiday, no one wanted to meet up and play with me on the holidays. I was on my own.

Anyway- I thought that maybe he was hiding a secret, maybe he even had a crush on Anzu, or Jou (They've been extremely close over last term...)- I asked him about it very calmly and quietly, I didn't want to embarrass him

"Yami?"

"Y-Yes?" He looked at me calmly.

"Do you have a crush on someone?"

He just immediately began acting embarrassed and shocked that I could say such a thing

"N-No!" His cheeks burned red. How strange. Maybe he had a crush on Honda- or Mai- maybe even Seto! They were always so... _close _these days.

Maybe I'm just jealous.

They've been very distant from me very lately. I've tried, I know I've tried, staying clsoe to them; but they deny me. Maybe I'm imagining things...

It just all started in the middle of last term, I was eating lunch with them and they invited everyone to the movies for the weekend, and I wasn't invited. At first I was thinking 'oh, it doesn't matter, I don't even want to watch that movie', but it became weirder.

Soon it was sleep over's, dinners, game nights, arcade, study sessions. I wasn't invited to any- no one even told me, I found out on Facebook, how pathetic, ne?

Today I thought I was going to prove myself wrong.

I think I was sort of wrong... I think.

If that makes sense.

I mean- I walked with him to school, Jou tagging along with us- even Anzu joined us. They didn't speak a word to me.

And when I went to school, I asked them to walk with me to my locker, I wanted to give Yami his XBox 360 game back- but they just walked off without a word. I felt humiliated. But then again, I felt I was over reacting again.

So... I went to art class with Yami (The only class where we are on our own), and I sat with him... He didn't greet me... He just ignored me...

And then when I started doing my art work, he had the nerve to ask "What are we doing now?"

For a moment, I stared at him, shocked and angry. This was all he could say to me?!

I was tempted to yell at him and tell the teacher on him- but I wasn't that kind of person, so I explained, and he just nodded.

We needed to do portrait of each other.

I asked if he wanted to be my partner, he agreed, but he didn't even try and create a conversation with me- or even try and keep mine alive. So, I just sketched him.

And I was really good.

I caught every curve, every shadow, every hair... My picture gave his face a smile, whereas the face he gave me to draw held nothing but a grim mouth set and stoic stare. I drew his face from memory when we had literally been hanging off each other's limbs... I miss that brotherly bond.

He drew me- and he's great at art. I felt flattered that he drew me so nicely, and when I teasingly murmured 'do I really look that pretty?' He began to blush! Why was he so embarrassed?! I just shrugged my shoulders at that.

The teacher thought our pictures were amazing! I was pretty happy, and I was smiling crazily- Yami gave off little grins at me, only me, not at the teacher, and kindly said mine was better (Which isn't true, he's a total Picasso)!

Yami asked the teacher if he could keep my picture. "Sure, Yami." She'd giggled.

"Thanks, Miss." He walked over to me, smiling. "The teacher said I could keep the picture of you- can I?"

I giggled, "Why, do you have a crush on my picture?" He'd blushed again!

Quickly, he'd taken teh picture, "Thanks." he nodded quietly and left.

I was sitting in the middle of the room, on my own.

I can't believe Yami did that to me.

But maybe it was just a bad day- maybe he was sad that the holidays were at end.

And could I blame him? School meant boring tests, writing and thinking.

I had gone to Jou to ask him what was wrong with Yami, he literally shrugged and yelled in my face- his breath grazed my face, "I-I, uh, dunno, Yug'." It sounded almost nervously, skipping off with Honda by his side.

Did I smell?

I didn't want to get in the way of my friends bad and weird moods, so I just spent the erst of the day in sickbay to nurse my head ache. It was a stinging migraine- I was sure my head would explode, the headache hurt so much...

I couldn't think about anything properly.

Maybe I was overreacting.

My friends would never just lose interest in me, right? We'd known each other since childhood- was it possible that ... they just didn't like me anymore? That I was just an annoying short little boy that brought trouble to them?

I felt ashamed. I'd done something to upset them.

I need to repent.

In that stuffy little sickbay room, I'd sat up from that uncomfortable sick bay bed, yearning for their friendship already. I hated being ignored, I mean, it's an awful feeling... Being alone...

I hated it...

I'd hopped up from the stiff mattress, rubbing my sore forehead momentarily before venturing through the school building. At first I'd been looking for Anzu or Jou, or Honda, atleast one of them... But they were busy; Jou had been in detention, Honda was in baseball practise, Anzu was having dance club and Ryou was sick... So I looked for Yami.

I immediately knew where he was, so there was no moment where I began freaking out... I found him on the roof.

"Yami?" This time, Yami didn't ignore me. His eyes had snapped wide open. God, they looked beautiful. Those deep red crimson eyes stared at me in shock

"Yugi?" He'd echoed my name out curiously. "I thought you were sick..."

I was tempted to murmur '_Yet, you didn't visit me..._', but I held my tongue, "I just had a headache." I replied with a small giggle.

He nodded, "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah..." I'd blushed furiously, "...Well, not really..."

He was sitting on a bench against a wall against a wall, legs spread and feet digging in the gravel ground. "What's wrong?"

I'd walked over to him, dropped to my knees and leant forward, suddenly very shy. What if he laughed at me? For some reason though, Yami blushed at me. Maybe he was feeling sick too. "Y-Yami? ...H-have I done anything to upset you? You've barely talked to me at all... I feel like I've upset you...?"

He sighed at me, wiping his forehead as if I was the silliest kid in the world. "No. You haven't done anything. Don't worry, Yugi. I promise, everything's fine.'

I took the words as the truth; I wanted to take it as the truth. Was it wrong to believe what I desired to hear?

He was skipping the last two lessons of school, and I decided to join him on the roof. After all, we both had IPods, we had laptops, we had phones. So, we just discussed music, talking about which was better 'Nightwish' or 'Within Temptation'. I totally believed 'Within Temptation' was much better than Nightwish with the song 'Utopia'. It was much better. Yami countered with Nightwish being much better with the song 'Scaretale'.

I felt happy. At least, until I had to walk home.

Yami and Jou walked home in front of me, and whenever I tried walking with them, they stepped forward, away from me and continued whispering and muttering.

Did I stink?

Was I fat?

Was I ugly?

Maybe now I'm making big things out of small situations... I should just stop now and wait for tomorrow...

* * *

**Yugi? Did you truly feel that way? I never meant to make you feel so lonely, and on your first day of school? **

**I was a jerk. **

**But... The only reason was... was because... **

**I can't say it. You'll reject me, you'll hate me... **

**I just want you to know, you're so beautiful, Yugi, so perfect and cute- I wish you knew how ... I felt... **

**And no one hates you- no one meant to ignore you... **

_**TBC**_


	3. Journal Entry 2

I do not own Yu-gi-oh!

_If you think Bakura's the reincarnation of a sex god, copy this to your profile/signature!_

_Thankyou all for reviewing so far :) But I would love some more reviews, so please... R&R :)_

**Yami's thoughts.**

I looked down at Yugi's writing, trying my best not to pry too much into further pages as I delved deeper into the dates, reading the carefully written dates by the corner of the pages.

I noticed the writing getting rougher, almost rushed, almost depressed and angry- I frowned, feeling a strange pulling at my heart. **Yugi… **

For some reason, we shared a special bond- a bond that I probably treasured more than Yugi in a more intimate way, but … what he'd written broke my heart-

I hurt him.

I hurt my dear Yugi…

I broke _his_ heart. And I hate myself for it.

**...**

My journal

_Switch the news off, go to sleep  
fight the tears in misery  
I've exchanged my childhood dreams  
for a bunch of make-believes  
_

_Monday, Week 2 of Term 2, Year 12._

…I feel heart broken.

It's been a week since my first week at school- I know I'm not imagining things now. I know I've got a right to worry.

They're ignoring me. Anzu. Honda. Jou. Ryou. Bakura. Marik. Malik.

Even Yami.

_What did I do? I want to know what I did!_

I deserve to be punished if I hurt my best friends. But if their silence is my punishment, please... at least let them show me anger- atleast some sort of attention!

Today was PE prac- we were doing dancing.

And with my stupid luck, there were more boys than girls- and Yami and I were left all alone. We were chosen to be a pair- me as the girl, him as the male. How embarassing- everyone was snickering at me.

We did the Cha Cha, and it was _so_ embarrassing.

Yami had to touch my waist and hand- and I felt him recoil when he touched my skin. Was I poison? I felt like it.

But I still danced with him... It was sort of fun, if you looked past the awkward air surrounding us. At some point, I kind of wished that no one was looking and it was just us to- I dunno what reason that was, maybe it was romantic, or just a brotherly love?

I kept feeling something deep inside of me, I thought I was sick- My stomach began to churn. But I only felt that way when I was dancing with Yami.

I felt as if I'd chuck up my lunch over Yami, but at the same time, I didn't feel that sick. It's too confusing to explain. I wanted so much to just keel over and throw up, but then when I looked away from Yami's face, the sickness dissapeared.

Was I, like, allergic to his face?

Was it the dread of his disgust and hate he felt for me? Or maybe it was something else...

We danced for the hour, practising our steps over and over and over again- I felt so happy, yet so sick, when I was touching his shoulders. He was just so tall, sweet and handsome- it ached every time I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were clouded in confusing distance.

'_Please_, _dear_ _god_.' I would think in my mind, '_Stop and make him look at me- make him stare at me with the same kindness I saw when we first met_…' I literally begged mentally.

But he only looked at me shyly, twirling me around as if I were a small girl. I felt like a fool. He stared at me, just like I wanted, but when I began smiling a little, he dead panned '**You have ink on your cheek'**.

He began to laugh.

It made my stomach fly.

I just laughed with him, even with my cheeks burning- in a way, I did want to laugh, and it was kind of funny... But I felt dissapointed.

Pe finished, he let go of me immediately and raced out- so I just slowly changed from my PE uniform and into my clothes. I don't know, being ignored makes me feel like a shadow. I might as well dress like one.

I've replaced my wardrobe with lanky coloured clothes (I know, it may sound dramatic, but ... I'm not trying to gain attention.), and no one has cared enough to notice. So I just pulled on my shorts and black tank top before I pulled on a heavy sweater. I remember Anzu tried knitting the sweater for me a few years ago before she started dance. It was large, and it barely fit, and it hung on my body like a cloak on the Grim Reaper.

Boots. I pulled on boots.

Jou bought them for me for Christmas, they were comfy- Jou had saved up so much money to get them for me- I wore these clothes to try and get their attention, but they barely noticed.

Only Honda noticed ''ey, Yug'! you're wearin Anzu's sweater and Jou's boots! Your even wearin' that choker I bought ya for your birthday!'- I thought maybe, just maybe, they'd notice me.

They didn't.

I mean, Honda did, and they all gave me kind smiles, but they lookeda way... It hurt.

Jou looked at me momentarily, flashing me a quick and distracted smile before going back into chatting a very heavy discussion with Yami.

Yami probably hadn't been listening.

I continued my class time, rushing through my work quickly before lunch started-

It was excellent when I began walking down the school hallway, almost tripping over the polished floor, when Yami caught me, touching my shoulder with his large hands- I've always felt safe when I was touched by them- he began speaking to me.

"Hey, Yugi."

"Hello, Yami…"

He was acting all kind to me. "…We haven't seen you for a while, you've become very silent." How … rude. Yami couldn't realise I was always with him?

Following him?

Trying to be as close to him as I had been many years ago…

So… I decided to make an excuse, "Y-Yeah, sorry about that… I've been studying really hard…"

He chuckled, a sweet chuckle that sounded as heavenly as honey and cream… Ugh- why am I writing and thinking such nonsense?

"So- Yugi, I have something to ask you…"

"Yeah?" He was steering me slowly into the school courtyard, and before I knew it, he had led me to a stone bench- a bench far from the gathering teenagers trying to eat their lunches.

"Well,…" Whatever he was trying to say was interrupted by the shrill bell, signalling that the cafeteria was now open to give out warm meals. Not that I was hungry, I had lost my appetite last Friday when Anzu began moping about perfect bodies.

As if a spell had taken a hold of him, Yami jumped from his seat and began stumbling over his words, "You know what? I'll ask you later!"

I nodded dumbly, jerking my head up and down meekly even after he was away from my sight.

I was left alone again. So, with a bored sigh, I went to my locker and put my books away- though I took out a small cupcake Jii-chan baked for me and travelled to the same Courtyard I had just been in.

I tried sitting with Ryou, but he was sitting with Bakura and speaking intimately, whispering sweet words- I didn't feel right to interrupt them.

I was going to sit with Seto, but he was glaring at everyone who went near him- It felt quite frightening.

Anzu was yelling at Yami for some reason, he was banging his head against the wall, Jou was glaring at him as well- I really didn't want to get involved in whatever they were arguing about…

I didn't want to sit on my own in the courtyard, so I left back into the school building and into the toilet, where I threw the cupcake away (Suddenly not hungry) and sat in the corner of the changing room.

Maybe I was doomed to be in the dark, clueless as to what I had done. But then I reminded myself that _This is High School- in twenty years, it won't matter how popular or cool I was…_ But it still hurts to think that I am ignorant as to why they're not talking to me. Or as to why Yami was acting like an emotional drama queen; deciding whether to talk to me or just ignore me when ever he felt like it.

He wasn't always like that, though.

But I was also clueless as to how I felt towards Yami. I felt sick- _I feel sick now_- thinking about him... He's handsome. He's so cool.

I remember when we first met.

He has always been so nice to me.

It had been my first day in Domino with Jii-chan, and I had been in the park- I was only four. I'd been playing some silly marble game, on my own, playing with my own imaginary friend (Whom happened to be a very nice and fuzzy teddy bear that is now a tattered creature missing an ear, eye and arm).

Some large jerk named Ushio (The one that always bullies me) stole all my marbles whilst pushing me to the gground.

They were marbles given by my cousin- How awful! My cousin was dying, and she gave me those marbles to keep in her memory... I'd never cried so hard.

Immediately I heard a 'thump' and clatter. Ushio was scrawled on the floor, crying like a baby and running off, clutching a bruised arm as if he had a bullet wound instead.

Standing over me was Yami- who was always taller than me- and he was grinning. 'come on, let's go collect your marbles!', he'd giggled and laughed and helped me up, swiping dust and dirt from my clothes and collecting my teddy as we searched for marbles.

He'd been my best friend- just instantly, he'd been the best friend I'd ever known. He'd given me a hug after giving me my marbles and even kissed my scraped skin better. I'd ended up giggling with him and handing him the most colorful marble I had- It was his to keep, for as long as we were friends.

He had a bright purple lilac one, small speckles of blue and navy whisked through in a beautiful little pattern. I had a matching one that was red and orange- I still have it in a small box full of tokens and pictures of my life.

In return he'd given me a small kiss on the cheek and promised to be my friend from then on forever.

Has Yami given up hope on me?

I miss his small childish smile with those nice fingers holding mine as he hugged me better. I missed his laugh as he jumped on my bed whilst I jumped with him. I missed everything that he was withholding from me...

Did he miss me?

I hope so.

I made it mandatory that I walked with him from school to home- I talked with him as well as I could, and he talks with me now- I feel as if he's keeping something from me, something that I SHOULD know. Something I want to know.

Yami... Please tell me.

I don't know what to do...

Because I...

_I think I love him_.

**Yugi. **

**I'm the same Yami you knew all those years ago- I even have that marble you gave me. It's always in my pockets... I could never forget you... **

**I love you. **

**I love you, Yugi. And I was afraid to tell you. **

**When I touch you, I feel a jolt of pleasure spark through me and a desire to hug and kiss you better- but ... I never knew. I never knew you felt that way... and I feel ashamed.**

**Everyone knows how I feel, you know? I mean- all of our friends know that I love you… They have been trying hard to get me to ask you out… They've been telling me and talking to me every day... I know it seems cruel- and I wish I could stop the suffering, but it's too late. I know it's too late. **

**I'm such a coward.**

**And you suffered because of my cowardly antics.**

_**TBC**_

_**R&R!**_


	4. Journal Entry 3

I do not own Yugioh!

**Yami's thoughts. **

…

It took me a while to realise what Yugi had written in his diary.

'_I love him_.'

That's what he wrote. Thinking over the lines again, I began to smile, giggling like a fool before I broke out into relieved laughs- I felt so relieved I could have begun crying.

But I knew that what I was celebrating was but a small feat- because I knew that Yugi wasn't upset about his fears of one sided love- I knew that what he had written was about to become much worse.

**I love you, too, Yugi.**

**I wish you knew.**

**…**

_Sometimes I cry so hard from bleeding. _

_So sick inside of all the needless beating, _

_But maybe when they knock you down and out,_

_Is where you ought to stay._

_Monday, Week 3 Term 2, Year 12. _

I have nothing to write about for today, because I stayed home all day. I was pretending to be sick, because I just didn't want to go to school- there is no need.

Not after yesterday. No...

After Sunday I can't go to school to see him...

_**Why does Yami confuse me so? Damn it!**_

Well... Yesterday, I had woken up at Ten am, Jii-chan was calling at me to get down for breakfast- so I skipped down in my pyjama's to the kitchen behind the game shop room and storage cupboard. The kitchen isn't as big as the one upstairs in the main house, but it's a good substitute for the employers to rest and have a good cup of tea.

Something must have warned Jii-chan I wasn't feeling number one all of a sudden, because he's never made me breakfast unless it was my birthday.

And last time I checked, my birthday was a few months ahead of now.

I ate my scrambled eggs and smoked salmon and toast, glad that Jii-chan went shopping at the fish market the previous day. It was really nice, it distracted me from the whole mess of my life.

Yesterday, I remember, Jii-chan was looking at me quite sadly. I was kind of afraid of that look. "What's wrong, Jii-chan?" I'd asked carefully, sipping from my cup of water.

"No… Nothing's wrong. It's just a little of a surprise how fast the time goes. Once upon a time you'd been just a little bigger than a bottle of milk, and look at you… You're… Still quite small… but you've grown, nonetheless." He smiled sadly at me.

It makes me feel nice that Jii-chan is one of the few that still love me.

Before I knew it, though, there was a ding of the store bell and a short yell of 'Hello, Jii-chan!'!

It was Yami…

And he saw me, in my pyjama's- my summer pyjama's mind you; shorts and a small tank top. It was embarrassing, and I turned red. But he just looked at me momentarily before pulling Jii-chan to the side to talk.

I was extremely disappointed he didn't look at me and smile and greet me, but I guess that's normal… After all, he's been ignoring me for the past three weeks.

Jii-chan reappeared when I began cleaning away the dishes and putting them in the sink, he was smiling all goofily, patting my back and sighing in his rumbling voice, "Yugi m'boy, Yami was wonderin' if you'd like to go out with him," was it stupid that I almost got my hopes up for him to ask me out on a date? "to the movies. Are you feeling well enough to go there?"

"Yes." I sighed, looking at Yami who was staring at me. I shuffled nervously before racing upstairs, "Just let me get changed!"

I felt outraged and confused and happy and sad at the same time. How dare he suddenly take interest in me… Why is he doing this? Is he going to ask me out on a real date, maybe even kiss me? No… He doesn't like me that way- maybe he just wants to be my friend again! No- No…

I was becoming worked up. I just changed into a pair of worn skinny jeans, a grey tank top and slate colored vest. It was the closest thing I could reach- I wanted to go with him…

I was halfway in getting dressed, I just pulled my jeans and tank top on before Yami waltzed right in, looking at me and speaking before pausing, "Yugi, are you ready or… no..t…" His face had gone red as I pulled my shirt on properly.

He stood there, face red. Why? I was confused, maybe it was too hot, or maybe Jii-chan said something weird again- maybe it was just hormones. We've always dressed together- ever since we were children. When we went swimming... Or when we were going to go to bed for a sleepover... Or when we just wanted to change into Sport Uniforms. It was just confusing and stupid. I hoped he wasn't going to just suddenly think I was awkward to be around.

Anyway- I just cared that I had Yami in my room for the first time in weeks. Then I realised. _The guy I LOVE is in my room._

Oh- and then common sense found me. _I'm sure he isn't just gonna kiss you and cry 'YUGI FORGIVE ME, I WAS FOOLISH TO IGNORE YOU'_

Common sense is a BITCH.

I mean- a guy like me could dream, but it was just making my heart heavy. Heck, he might not even really like m, he could just be taking me out for a drink before saying in some heavy voice, 'look... Yugi, the gang and I have been thinking and we ... We think you shouldn't be our friend anymore.'

Though... He just grinned at me, handing me my vest before sighing, "Wow, you painted your walls a different color." He motioned to the light blue color.

"Y-Yeah." Would I be a stupid idiot to say I stammered? "I got sick of the old color." I got sick of all the memories. He nodded absently, turning to face me with a wide smile. I grinned at him- I don't know, the urge just struck me. He looked so peaceful. I wanted to hate him for it- but I couldn't. I love him too much to ahte him. I'm such a weakling...

"Would you like to go to the movies?" He'd hummed out, handing me my boots. "I want to watch Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter."

"Y-Yeah!" I was so happy. It was a dream, and since I was just such an unlucky bastard, I screwed up my dream. "As a friend, right?"

He just loked at me, "Yeah."

Damn it.

Nothing interesting happened for an hour or so. We walked together, just silent. He didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to him. We arrived at the cinema, him smiling kindly at me and buying me popcorn and a drink of water- he bought us a bag of skittles to share and we all had fun as we entered.

"I'll be back in a minute." He'd muttered, suddenly distracted. "Go choose a seat, please?"

"Y-Yeah, alright." He'd walked off. He said he'd be back, but... what I didn't know was that he'd come back three fourths into the movie.

I had looked at him, hurt. "Where were you?"

A few people in the cinema just hushed us. 'SHHHH!'

I wanted to go get up and slap each one of them.

"A-Ah... I forgot where the room was... And Ryou and Bakura were there- I just talked to them." He awkwardly muttered, smiling sheepishly. At that point I would have giggled, but I just wanted to cry immediately. In the darkness, I'd hidden tears, wiping my eyes. I just pretended it was because the movie was terrifying me.

How could he have done that? Leaving me in the middle of the movie? Forgettingme.. leaving me in the cinema with two pop corn containers... I felt foolish.

I mean... The movie was good. Realyl good. I'd watch it again if Yami hadn't spoiled it with memories of humiliation and anger...

I love him. Ra Damn it, I love him! But I felt so angry and upset, I watned to bash everyones faces in! I should have just out of the movie thirty minutes in when Yami hadn't shown up. I should have know Yami would have bailed out for some stupid reason.

I couldn't even control myself as the lights turned on and the screen flickered to the white material. I just began to sob- and I excused myself to the bathroom. It was all empty, I'd checked. I'd kicked every stall door open, growling in frustration each and every kick. I felt like such a baby! "damn it!" I'd cried, slamming my fist against the tiled wall.

If I had been in some movie or soap opera, my bone would have broken (Creating more attention for me), or the tiles woul dhave cracked- but I was just weak old Yugi. I couldn't do anything right. My hand had hurt.

I'd put it under cold water, and stared at my reflection.

_Everything was WRONG._

I wanted Yami to be my boyfriend.

I wanted people to love me again.

I wanted people to know that .. _I existed._

It was just so frustrating that I'd pulled at my hair and just stuck my fingers up my throat, sickened at myself. I'd emptied my stomach immediately, and it was an awful feeling- but the relief... The relief was amzing. I washed it away with the water, and just stood panting over the sink, wishing I could just suddenly die...!

I'd have to make my body perfect for Yami...! I wanted him to look at me... As if I were the most perfect being in the world..

Yami'd found me, and he'd hugged me tightly. I took everything at my advantage- was it selfish to say that? I'd buried my face in his chest and gave some stupid excuse that I'd felt sick from the violence. He, who broke my heart again, just hugged me tightly, and I knew that I'd never be embraced the way I wanted to be hugged.

We'd left, him wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading me back home. He'd stopped me at the doorway, releasing me and awkwardly smiling. "...Yugi."

I'd felt that my purging had brought the attention. His arms felt so warm... And I'm so sick of feeling cold...

"Yes?"

I felt stupid to just hum the question. But I felt... that I should have... kissed him. I'd reached up. "...Yami." I'd breathed, and he'd bent down to meet my lips. Except, he pulled back last minute and coughed awkwardly.

"You should get some rest."

What. The hell.

I just ran inside, embarassed. I couldn't stop myself from slamming my door, locking myself in and crying into my pillow. Yeah- I sound like some hormonal fifteen year old girl, so what. I was so angry! _And I'm still angry! _

I'm... frustrated... Sick with myself! Sick of everyone and everything messing my life up!

So I stayed home for the whole day. Jii-chan didn't mind. He said I should take a day off, I had sounded 'sick' whn I came home yesterday. Yeah, love sick and heart broken. I wish there were doctors for this kind of pain.

Even now I'm shaking in absolute frustration.

I don't know how long I can stay like this...

I don't know how long I can _stay sane..._

**Yugi. I am... I can't even apologise. I can't say sorry enough. If only you understood. I love you- soo much. I wish you could read minds for once, you seem so good at detecting emotions, why are you so clueless to my love? **

**It's my fault thoguh. I shouldn't be blaming you... **

**I'd gone to your house. Planning on asking you out- the movie, the movie was the date- I was so stupid, I should have just said it there and then. All of our friends had been pushing me to this. 'Come on, Yami! How long will it take to convince you to just ask him out?' Anzu would urge me on... **

**I finally did it... Just not in the way anyone would think. **

**I was an ass hole, and I chickened out at last moment. **

**I had stepped into your room, and there you were- your pale and milky smooth skin shining like the moon, it was so smooth. I wanted to touch it. **

**But I couldn't. **

**I kind of wished you'd have been naked. **

**Then you asked if the movie was between friends... It broke my heart, my confidence. I didn't know if you wanted it, if you were going to look at me with the love I wanted to look at you with. **

**The movie... It was supposed to be perfect, you, sitting next to me and leaning onto me as I slowly kissed your cheek. But it didn't happen like that. We entered the room- but I spotted Ushio. That jack ass. **

**He'd been looking at you with some feral glance, as if he wanted to look at you naked. I hated it. I wanted to beat him up, punch the living hell out of him- it was only goin gto last a few minutes. Of course he had his stupid goons following him around, and I had to fight them all. t was not easy at all, to try and fight without getting hit and without spoiling anything. **

**I didn't want to alarm you- To scare you... I was trying to keep you calm. And before I knew it, the movie was almost finished. I'm such a jack ass. Almost as bad as Ushio- no, worse. I broke your heart... **

**The kiss. I wanted it. Damn it, I wanted it! But if I touched your lips, I would have lost control- and I was scared... It's such a lame excuse, but hell, I was scared!**

**I'm scared of your writing... You're ... Purging? For me? No... **

**No...!**

_**NO!**_

**If I knew I had been hurtnig you, I would have apologised immediately and explained- but I was afraid you'd get scared at the thought and want to get home. I ruined it. **

**And... You purged. You threw up on purpose- I can't forgive myself. You hurt your body, ...**_**And it's all my fault.**_** This ... I'm horrible.**


	5. Journal Entry 4

_I do not own Yugioh!_

**Yami's thoughts.**

**A/N: I want more reviews... Please? *Puppy Dog Eyes***

* * *

Purging? Purging? My dear Yugi... Purging?

My glee turned to dread as I thought over the written words- several times I pinched myself, was this just a nightmare?

If so... I wanted to wake up.

I wanted to wake up to Yugi hugging me tightly and being the same old happy and carefree boy that he was...

I didn't want to read on- but something inside me urged me to go on...

...

_How can you 'just be yourself'_

_When you don't know who you are?_

_Stop saying 'I know how you feel'..._

_How could anyone know how another feels?_

_Who am I to judge a priest, beggar,_

_whore, politician, wrongdoer?_

_I am, you are, all of them already._

_~...Nightwish, Song of Myself._

_Monday, Week 4, Term 2, Year 12_

I don't know what to write. I'm... Just so bored and sad. I'd probably be repeating myself again if I said 'I'm so depressed'.

I've probably written it a thousand times already.

Nothing. Nothing interesting has happened today. Everything was the same- Not that I'm surprised. Well, that's a lie. Nothing was the same. Everything's different.

It first happened this morning, I woke up, hungry and sick and aching (And sad). Jii-chan cooked me my breakfast (Of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast) and had set out my clothes.

The meal was... delicious. It filled my body perfectly, my stomach purred in pleasure at the sudden food. But... Then the stomach ache came. I had been gorging on all the food, swallowing it all as if there was no tomorrow- my body was struck by a stomach ache. It moaned loudly in displeasure.

I swear, it sounded like a growling cat stuck in a sack.

At that point I didn't even need to stick my fingers up my throat- I only had to run to the bathroom, to the sink.

Everything (And I mean everything!) literally spilled itself out of my mouth. It really, _really_, hurt. I really wanted to eat something, my stomach was just roaring like a T-rex to empty itself... So I could be skinny and perfect.

I stared at the contents, awaiting the rush of adrenaline that would give me my strength for the start of the day- nothing came.

There was shame though. Lots and lots of shame.

And I realised- I needed something more- Something more exhilarating. I didn't know what, of course. I just felt so empty at that moment. Sick, angry, worried, weak.

I washed it all away.

I arrived at school, Jii-chan dropping me off since it was raining. Usually Yami or Seto would pick me up, but I couldn't see them bothering now. After all of this.

I entered school, grim and glum, but keeping up a mask of happiness and delight.

"Goo~d morning, Yugi!" Teachers smiled at me, students grinned and even the janitors shared a chuckle with me. Yes- they couldn't see a boy like me look sad and unhappy.

I stalked onto the bus.

Today was nothing new. It was a school trip for my year, it was a day trip, we went to the park. It was supposed to be the group of teenagers in the park, going to shops to eat, going to buy stuff and having picnics. It was just a small break for kids like us.

I was hoping to sit next to Yami, demand his attention. It's a pointless plan, because whenever I see him, my words die in my throat.

Anyway. I'd hopped onto the bus, Yami sitting on his own, staring at his own IPod as he listened to some music, he seemed completely zoned out, and I felt my heart thump like a drum.

He was so handsome... My heart ached looking at him. He caused me so much pain. And he's oblivious. _But I still love him_... I almost broke down into tears right then and there.

I couldn't just sit next to him, I immediately felt shy. I stopped in my tracks, holding my satchel to my chest tightly in nerves. Honestly, I couldn't move, and it was only when I received a hard thump from Ushio that I began to move again.

I took the seat in front of Yami.

It hurt because... I wanted to see his face; I wanted him to see me. Maybe Jou would sit next to me. Or Anzu. Maybe... Maybe Honda? Or Ryou?

I'd taken my IPod out, sighing as I just simply listened to Big Bang's 'Blue' whilst I waited for more students to hop on.

It was so cold! I shivered in the morning breeze that washed into the bus. I'd sniffed a few times, pretending that it was only a chill and stuffy nose causing this, but I really wanted to just crawl into a ball and hug Yami tight as if he were a plushie- I also wanted to cry.

"Yugi?"

"Yu~ugi."

My voice was being called. I'd looked around, hope rising in my stomach, and I saw Yami, smiling at me brightly.

"Wanna sit next to me?" He'd asked.

I nodded shyly. I really hoped it was genuine friendship courtesy that pushed him into asking, not pity. I climbed over the seat, sitting next to him and smiling hesitantly. "H-Hi... Yami..."

"Good morning, Yugi." He grinned, looking at me, "What are you listening to?"

"A-Ah..." I blushed. "Big Bang... Blue. What about you?"

He sighed, looking at me, his hair shining in the delicate morning sun. I immediately had the urge to squeal and cry like a fan girl. Could he finally be paying attention to me? Was this all just an awful dream, was the neglect and ignorance just a true misunderstanding? "Shinee, their song Sherlock."

"C-Cool..." I blushed. "A-Ahm... A-bout last week..." I stammered like an idiot. How pathetic. "At the movies... T-The... Kiss..."

He turned pale, "W-What kiss?"

My heart shattered into a million more pieces, feeling even more broken then before. "No-Nothing. Don't worry."

He nodded.

Until the bus began to drive, we didn't speak, just listening to music- mostly K-pop like Psy or U-kiss. At some point we listened to Alice Nine.

But it was silent, and whenever he gave a smile, it was strained. "...So, you like Alice Nine?"

"Yeah. Their song 'Subaru' is best." I gave a small and shy smile... I couldn't face him, my eyes just couldn't bring themselves to look into his eyes- I was so nervous to even look at him... If I looked at him, I'd just have to jump on him and hug him tight and cry like a baby.

His handsome lips moved in a mesmerising pattern. "Yeah, I like 'beautiful name'."

The bus stopped, "A-Ah,"I I noticed something, "Where's Jou, or Ryou, or Bakura... Or Seto?"

Yami shrugged, standing up from his spot. He pulled me up as well, and I blushed, clutching my satchel tightly. "Come on, Yugi." He murmured, walking me out of the bus.

I felt his warm hand against my back, I was so tempted to lean into it and purr like a cat. His comforting hold, his moist breath against my neck, the only thing missing was him whispering sweet nothings in my ears.

The park we were at was pretty flat, it was green and sunny, a large square of land that had long oak trees flocking the land. Around this great square of land were little cafe's and ice cream stores.

We sat down together under this really old oak tree, a little silent. It had warmed up since the morning really quickly. The sun was out, the breeze was soft and the sky was blue. My own back was pressed against the old wood, it was so tough and rough, but I felt as if it was keeping me glued to the present.

I could feel him staring at me for a few minutes whilst I unpacked my picnic. "D-Do you want to join me?" I finally murmured.

He looked at me, cheeks a little red, "Sure. What did you cook?"

I giggled. I couldn't help myself- he looked so shy. At that point in time, things were slightly awkward, but Yami was turning out to be very sweet... Why? Why was he being so kind and so attentive towards me after all these weeks? The thoughts made me sad...

Maybe he was only hanging out with me because no one else he liked was there. I was his back up friend...

"I made sandwiches- I knew you were coming so I made yours and Jou's favourites... U-Uhm, I also brought potato salad and fresh cookies!" I loved cooking, but at that moment I felt so sick staring at all the food... I had thought more would be coming, and I wanted to purge out my breakfast so I could make more room...

Unconsciously, my fingers ran to my stomach and rubbed the clothed piece of skin. I felt fat. Though, I looked at Yami to distract myself. His cheeks were bright and he was giving me this cheery smile.

"Yum!"

With that, we kind of just dug in. I handed him cutlery and a plastic plate- our hands brushed just as I gave him his plate... My heart raced, and I felt that I should have clutched his hand and leapt on top of him and snuggled his neck.

I didn't eat much- just a few cookies and a sandwich of white bread and tuna and mayonnaise. Yami ate all the potato salad before I could even pick at it.

"A-Ah... Sorry, 'bout that." Yami laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head as he stared at the empty bowl. "I'll buy you an ice cream later, kay?"

He promised to get me my ice cream... In the end he did, but that was later that day, which doesn't really matter yet. I blushed and nodded slowly, "Thank you..." I placed the plate down, along with the cutlery and leant back on the tree. Yami scooted beside me, right beside me. I blushed a deeper shade of red as his leg brushed mine. "S-Sorry," I brought my legs farther from his, curling into a ball. Damn- I'm so lame.

"It's fine, Yuugi." He mumbled.

He grabbed my fingers from my left hand- I almost squeaked in surprise. What was he doing?!

"You haven't grown since we were twelve, you've got really delicate fingers." He sighed, "You could be a hand model." He laughed. I gasped,

"No way!" I jumped from my spot, leaning over him- a Hand model?! Ew, hands are ... just so weird. And I wouldn't want to put my fingers on TV! "My fingers are fat anyway," I mumbled lamely, "You could be a model anyway, stop lying about me." I sighed.

"Your fingers are twigs!" He exclaimed.

"Oh please."

By now we were inches apart- my nose almost touching his. He was shaking my fingers continually and trying so hard to explain that my fingers were 'tiny'- I wasn't paying attention to his ranting, only his face, that was slowly coming closer to mine...

We almost kissed- but his forehead accidently knocked with mine and launched me back onto the ground. "Ow!"

"A-Ah, Yugi... Sorry."

Did he do that on purpose? He didn't want to kiss me... I was stupid to think that way.

We went talking for the day. Most students invited Yami to a game of Frisbee. A few times he denied it, looking at me as if I were the anchor holding him back until I finally giggled, 'go play'.

I wished I could hate him. I wanted to hate him.

But I couldn't.

I fell asleep for half the day. Yami said he'd gone playing Frisbee and soccer whilst I slept.

I only remember waking up to him dozing off beside me. The food was eaten and gone, so I packed it away.

It was at that moment that my stomach twisted from the empty containers, my throat twitched and I began to breathe abnormally. I hated it- I felt like I was dying of thirst- but it really was just the urge to lose all those calories.

As soon as I'd stood up to excuse myself, Yami gripped my ankle.

And I was forced to stay down.

Tearing up, I curled into a ball, my stomach taunting me with it's churns.

I'll never be perfect for Yami. Never.

And it breaks my heart.

He was asleep for the rest of the day, teasingly snuggling beside me, his fresh breath breathing over me.

This day was supposed to be fun, and with his constant taunting touches, I felt like I was burning away. Burning and dying and twisting from the torture of loneliness.

Jii-chan picked me up later that afternoon. Seto picked Yami up, and that was the last I saw of him for today.

Right now I'm sick as a dog. My stomach is empty, bursting in pain- but my body feels incomplete. Maybe it's the lack of food, maybe the distress of my agony... Mybe it's because I desire something else far more dangerous.

Just as I think about it- I hear the blade inside Jii-chan's medical cabinet singing for me to abuse it's sharpness. I want to paint these dark red lines across my wrists.

I deserve this pain.

I deserve it all.

**Yugi... **

**Yugi... No ...**

**NO!**

**It wasn't like that- It wasn't like that. **

**Not at all! **

**My heart wrenches at the thought of you hurting yourself- Please, don't do it. But what use is it begging in my mind when I could be serenading my apology to you face to face? **

**But these pages are urging me to go forward, to flick through more information- there's something more going on. **

**I know it. **

**I wanted to kiss you- God Damn it, I wanted to. I almost did- but my forehead... My nose...**

**I didn't play frsibee. Sure, I went off, but as soon as I saw you fall asleep, I ran over to you, watching you, letting you squeeze me as you slept quietly. I want you- So bad, I want you. **

**And when I saw you leaving, I was half asleep- I didn't want you to leave me.**

**Yugi...**

**Oh, Yugi... How did this happen?**

... ... ...

_Come and Rescue me,  
I'm burning can't you see?  
Come and rescue me...  
Only you can set me free...  
Come and rescue me,  
Rescue me...  
Rescue me. _

* * *

_A/N: Man, I'm watching The Walking Dead S2, Ep13- the part where Andrea is waving at the group, "Hey! Wait for me! WAIT!"- Truly sad. I love Carol, I wish she was the main character and got married to Daryl *Love in the making*. I love Hershel, btw, and Dale. They are my favourite old guys in the story, they could be like my favourite teachers because they're so heartfelt and amazingly kind...Maybe I should write a fic on The walking Dead? Or maybe I should just finish the stories I have now..._

_I am so pumped for Season 3. I even got my brother and father hooked on this zombie show. :)_

_I'm sorry I haven't published anything in, like, forever. _

_I've got so many tests, such as my Japanese tests tomorrow (My listening test. Damn, I still have to do a little more studying...) _

_Wish me luck anyway- and thank you for patiently waiting!_

_R/R!_


	6. Journal Entry 5

I do not own YugiOh!

**Yami's Thoughts.**

**A/N: I'm sooo sorry . My last chapter was a fail and it's taken forever for me to reply. Just so you know, I passed my Japanese Test with flying colours ;) Unfortunately, I have also been distracted because one of my friends was hit by a car and is now in a coma. **

**and I also finished this in one hour... So please enjoy and review!**

**... **...** ...**

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long.  
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.  
All the little pieces falling, shatter.  
Shards of me,  
Too sharp to put back together.  
Too small to matter,  
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.  
-Breath No More, Evanescence..._

_Monday, Week 5, Term 2, Year 12. _

Today…

Today was … Torture.

It wasn't like most days. Today was different, today was … horror. I can barely think about it before tearing up and sobbing hysterically in bittersweet terror.

It all began on a normal Monday.

Today Yami and the rest insisted that they were going to the arcade without me. It was heartbreaking. But that wasn't it.

Really.

"…Nah, you won't want to go, Yug'. It's gonna be borin'."

_It's never been boring, Jou._

I was sitting on the lunch table, next to Ryou, where I didn't eat a thing. I couldn't eat. My insides were burning with fire, but I couldn't eat. I couldn't bring myself to gorge and gain the weight… The thought was torture.

Yami stared at me, hesitating before hurriedly murmuring, "It's nothing against you, Yugi. We promise. We just have business to do… You wouldn't like it." If I hadn't known better, I would have believed him. I just put on a smile.

"Of course, Yami. I believe you. The arcade is kinda boring, I'll just do some extra studying."

_I'll just suffer in silence._

Honda grinned at me, "That's the good ol' Yug' we know, always being the good boy!" He ruffled my hair, and I got this stupid smile on my face- you know, those smiles you get when you don't mean to smile, but you still do?

Of course, that's what I will do. Be the good boy. Be the boy that really can just take change. Yeah, just be the boy I'm so sick of playing. Anzu pinched my cheeks, grinning.

All I could do was smile back.

Lunch ended, and I just walked myself to the bathroom. It was dark and clean in the bathroom, so I just waited until everyone was gone. I locked the bathroom door and collapsed by one of the sinks, immediately sinking my fingers down my throat before wrenching out whatever meagre meal I'd eaten in th emorning.

Nowadays, the pain isn't as bad. The burning throat and tearing stomach is something that I'm used to. It's only been a few weeks, and I can already see that I'm not satisfied with this anymore.

I'm not satisfied with this pain.

But I washed the mess away and rinsed my mouth, drying my wet eyes before stumbling out of the bathroom.

_God, I'm so tired of this._

_I'm so tired._

I got my books and left to class, feeling tired and worn. Seto sat next to me, acting all angry and huffy like he always acted. We didn't say a word, we didn't need to.

It's just something that comes to Seto. I could always respect and trust him. He was my friend, one of my best friends- but it wasn't enough for me. He had Jou. He had Yami. He had his brother and all the girls chasing him. He didn't need me.

The lesson went pretty fast, I learnt nothing. I can't focus anymore, it's really hard now. With the constant irritating pain in my heart and stomach distracting me, there was just no way I'd find the time to stare at the teacher and learn about whatever thing she was teaching me. I felt stupid, sitting there with a dumb and dazed expression on my face whilst weakly twiddling my thumbs.

I so desperately wanted to fall asleep.

As soon as the bell rang, I emptied the class slowly- Seto was right behind me.

"Hey, Yugi."

"Y-Yes?" I mumbled, wiping my eyes. "Seto?" He looked at me with an irritated expression that literally read 'why am I even doing this?'.

Slowly, he sighed, "You look tired. Did … Do you sleep at night?" He seemed angry with himself.

"-U-Uh…" I blushed, "No. Lately…" I sighed, staring at the ground, "I can't get to sleep…"

Irritated, he huffed, "Fine, hold on." He dug into his leather white coat and took out an orange container, it held numerous pills. "Sleeping pills. They help. A lot."

Gently, I pried them from his hands and took them graciously, "T-Thank you… Uhm, why are you helping?" I whispered quietly.

He barely heard me, and he replied with an angry face. "Are you saying I don't normally help people?" I nodded awkwardly, and he huffed, yet again. "…The mut..- uhn, Jou…- told me I should be kinder to people- so I… I chose to start with you."

I gave a small smile, "That's good."

It irked me. I know it's mean, and I should have been happy, but I was irritated. Irritated by the fact that I'd tried so hard for so many years for Seto to show a shred of humanity to any of us- and by the flick of a wrist, Jou could control Seto. …I was jealous, I was envious. I wanted to find someone that could treat me so kindly, someone to listen to me.

My mind flashed to Jou.

He nodded awkwardly before pursing his lips. "Bye."

"…B-Bye." I bowed my head slightly, holding the pills to my heart.

It'd be better if I just held onto them. To be truthful, I didn't really have trouble with sleeping; I didn't have insomnia… It was just a dark place in my mind that urged me to take those pills.

I hid them in my book bag, and I raced off to my free period.

I spent the entire next period in the library studying- it was my free period, so I was allowed to. There was nothing else to do. Everyone else was either in their own classes or they decided to drive home for a while to get something to eat.

Eat.

Food.

Stomach Grumble.

I ignored it.

It was at lunch that I fell asleep in one of the library cubicles, and I remained that way until last period where one of the librarians found me.

"Yugi?" A kind old lady asked. Her nametag said 'Lucia', and she obviously worked at the school. "It's time to get to class, wake up."

I didn't want to.

But I did.

And I shouldn't have.

Being disoriented was, at the least, troublesome. I stumbled around tiredly, looking half drunk, whilst looking for my room. It was science in lab four, and I was unfortunately late.

It was the right lab- it was the right teacher, and the right class. The teacher glared at me as soon as I entered, "Yugi? Why are you late?"

I looked at my feet, "I… I was helping the librarians sort out the books." I lied through my teeth, and the teacher believed me.

Because I was 'the good boy'.

Why would Yugi Motou lie?

What excuse did he have?

It's not like I have a life…

"All right."

The room was crowded. Anzu shot me a look of apology from where she was sitting.

There was no spare room.

Just an extra seat.

And that was next to Ushio.

It was… disgustingly terrifying. My stomach did flips (and not the good ones), it felt as if I'd drunk a whole carton of curdled cream. So I sat myself near Ushio, and he smirked at me, staring at my thighs and at my face. It was so scary. I've never liked Ushio. I've tried with all my might to like him, but it's impossible. He scares me so much.

And so …

I sat there in silent suffering. The class went on noisily, writing down their notes and then blabbing on about what they were going to do on the afternoon. It was awful…

As soon as the talking reached an unbearable level, my head pounded- and Ushio smirked at me. "…You're so beautiful, Yugi." His dirty voice had rasped. "Lovely and innocent. You have those nice large eyes of yours, and that sweet little body of yours as well." His hands gripped my waist, and I gasped out in panic. "You know… For what's about to happen…" His mouth reached my ear. "…This is your fault."

I couldn't move.

I felt so ashamed to even speak up or cry.

No one was paying attention, no one was going to save me.

His fingers stroked my jean covered thighs. His hand clutched my hips, running under my shirt and stroking my stomach. I clenched my teeth, tears running to my eyes. My lips were pursed as soon as his finger played with my belly button.

I hated it.

I hated him.

All I wanted was someone to save me.

Someone like Yami.

Only Yami.

Just Yami.

Yami.

Yami.

_Yami…!_

Shame held me by the throat as soon as Ushio's fingers ran a trail from my belly button down to the rim of my jeans. "So smooth." He cooed almost silently. His right hand was on me, his left on his book, his eyes on the teacher. No one could really see anything wrong- unless they noticed me crying.

Crying.

No- I wasn't crying.

I was too afraid to cry.

I was only sobbing.

"You know, you're so beautiful." He muttered with a chuckle. "It's a surprise you're still so innocent."

I cringed.

His breath was rancid.

He gripped my legs, stroking between my thighs. All the while, he chuckled and smirked and whispered what would seem as compliments, but weren't. I felt disgusted with myself. And as soon as the bell rang, I just jumped from my seat and ran out. I only held my books- I wouldn't grab my bag, I just needed to get away.

Those dirty hands were on me.

I ran as fast as I could, panting with all my might and wishing I just dropped dead. I was so ashamed- when I left the school gates, I was already crying hysterically, rubbing my eyes and shielding my mouth. I had never –ever- felt so tainted.

Even if I hadn't been aroused, those hands still touched me.

And I ran home.

Anyway, here I am, on my bed, covered in fresh clothes and scrubbed red and raw. Those hands are still on me.

And I'm still crying.

I want to punish myself.

I have punished myself.

There's a fresh red streak running across my thigh. It's still bleeding. It's long and thin, maybe a bit jagged, but it healed the self-pity and detest I was building up inside. It was like releasing that blood would release the bad feelings.

I've just found my new hobby.

**No…**

**NO!**

**NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! **

**I'll kill that bastard- I'll torture him and feed him to pirhana's if I have to! **

**How… **

**How dare he touch Yugi…! How dare he hurt him…!**

…**How dare I hurt him.**

**I hate… I hate myself.**

**I hate Ushio.**

**I hate this diary.**

…

I'm dying to catch my breath  
Oh why don't I ever learn?  
I've lost all my trust,  
though I've surely tried _**to turn it around**_  
Can you still see the heart of me?  
All my agony fades away  
when you hold me in your embrace  
Don't tear me down for all I need  
Make my heart a better place  
Give me something I can believe  
Don't tear me down  
You've opened the door now, don't let it close  
_-All I need, Within Temptation._


	7. Journal Entry 6

I do not own YugiOh!

**Yami's Thoughts. **

**A/N: I'm happy (But sad) to say that this fic is coming to an end… Probably this chapter and another… Hmm… I dunno. Anyway, please r&r!)**

* * *

Cutting. It's worse than purging. Harming one's self to get the relief…! I can't comprehend it. It's impossible for me to understand.

I stared at the page, bile rising in my throat. That bastard… Ushio! That bastard! I HATED HIM!

I hated myself.

There was just… a few more pages. I closed my eyes, I shut them tight.

**Please Yugi, be okay.**

* * *

Every word, every thought every sound.  
Every touch, every smile, every frown.  
All the pain we've endured until now.  
All the hope that I lost you have found.  
~Surrender, Billy Talent.

_Monday, Week 5, Term 2, Year 12_

It's … almost frightening. Staring into the sky, feeling scared. I mean, back before all this happened, the sky was my friend. The stars, the moon or the sun, they were always my ally. Now, to me, they're probably staring down at the world and ignoring me. Only me. Maybe it's melodramatic of me to say it, but I still feel like that.

I've been avoiding school. Ushio is always there, one way or another. Staring at me, smirking at me, following me. I've isolated myself, I can't even go down to the Game shop without seeing him staring at me through the windows. I'm so scared…

My heart is always a drum in a Heavy Metal song whenever I see him! I'm never eating, I'm not sleeping… Dear God, I sound like a woman after a bad breakup.

…Maybe it's a good distraction from the loneliness. Someone would say that.

No. It's another tonne on my shoulders. I feel like I'm holding the world- it's painful. It's aggravating the pain in my heart and tearing it to shreds! All I can do… All I can do to control my life is … cut.

The blood.

It feels…

Good.

I count the cuts. One line on my left wrist, three on my right thighs, five on my left thigh, four on my right wrist… Sometimes when the blade cuts across my skin, it feels like I'm sterilising where Ushio touched me. I'm cleaning my dirty skin with the blood and anguish of my sadness- But it doesn't work!

It still feels dirty.

And… I wish Yami would do something about it.

I want him with me: Hugging me, kissing all of my cuts, treating me like his own significant being and just holding me when times when times got tough or if I had a nightmare. In my dreams, all we ever do is hug and kiss, there is nothing tainted about it. Lately though, the nightmares claim my mind and I can only see Ushio's face when he touches my throat or… (My eyes widen even when I write this) or… if he wants to…

I can't write it anymore.

But today, all I care about is that Yami came. He'd even brought me flowers and a 'Get well' Card.

It was just after school, I was just about to go hide upstairs in my room- but the door bell twinkled, and I heard the familiar voice.

"Ne, Yugi. You weren't at school today."

I could have broken down and cried. Infact, I almost did.

I just turned around, putting on a barely contained smile, and I stared at him gleefully. I feel like an idiot sometimes by how wide my grin becomes when I look at the beautiful face of Yami. So beautiful. But It's not like I worry about losing him anymore- I've already lost him.

He probably came here because he felt sorry for me.

I was surprised though.

He walked to me to the doorway, giving me a small handful of daffodils, "U-Uh…" He blushed a little, looking at me awkwardly when I blushed a light pink. "T-Those are… are from the Gang."

_So… They only sent Yami here? They couldn't come all together? …I can't say I'm complaining though._ I'd thought.

I took them, still blushing a little, and I faked a small smile, "T-Thank you, Yami."

"I brought some chocolates, also!" He added. To prove his point, he'd even waved a box of Lindt chocolates in my face. I didn't understand if it was for me? I mean, it was astupid question, but… I was a bit shocked.

Why this sudden attention?

"Cool…" I gave a weak smile. All the while, my heart was doing a marathon. I couldn't believe it! Maybe I was dreaming, I'd thought at the time. "D-Do you want to come upstairs?"

"Sure…"

He lead me up into the sitting room, sitting himself in one of the chairs.

I'd placed the flowers on the table, looking at the beautiful tulips enviously. I so wanted them to be from Yami, and Yami alone. I mean, everyone was my friend- I loved them (Even if they didn't love me)! But if I had to choose between them and a life with Yami…

The answer is obvious.

I sat myself beside him, smiling a little at him. An awkward pause passed us. "So… Are you sick?" Yami questioned, "Fever? Cold? Flu?"

"Just headaches."

"Cool." He mumbled. I stared at him. "A-Ah. I mean- It's not cool, but I hope you get better…" He trailed off, defeated. I giggled.

"Y-Yami… You're acting nervous."

_I'm acting nervous_

"Sorry, Yugi. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Oh."

"Nothing against you-"

"I know."

_No… I don't know. I'm so confused. So scared._

He'd picked up the chocolates, staring at me and back to the box. "May I?"

"sure."

He'd taken off the thin plastic around the box, tearing off the cardboard and handing the sweet chocolates to me. The plastic container holding the chocolates still held his warmth, and I tightly held it- wishing I could drown in it. "Thank you."

Gently, he picked up a chocolate. They were one of my favourites, the ones shaped as a seahorse and brown and white. As if contemplating something, he hesitantly looked at me, and placed the chocolate against my lips. My face went red.

My heart exploded.

I could have melted into water and then evaporated into clouds.

My mouth opened- the chocolate entered my mouth, and I felt it sldie against my tongue. His fingers gently breezed against my lips.

I exploded again.

I expected him to maybe plunge his fingers down into my mouth, teasing mg tongue and teeth- my lips even shut themselves slowly and sensually.

He pulled away.

I shattered.

"A-Ah…" I looked down disappointed.

"Sorry, Yugi… I … Just think you should eat more. You're looking too thin."

I nodded pathetically.

We ate in silence. I was overheating from the blush on my face (Frankly, I felt as if I were going to melt), and my long sleeved shirt wasn't helping. Yami just stared at me, his eyes changing emotion as if he were battling himself.

"…Thank you, Yami, for coming today." I whispered. "It… It was nice to see you again." I bit back tears and looked away from him.

He nodded, "Same. Jou and the rest, uhm, wish you the best."

"Bye."

"Bye."

It took a minute for me to realise he was gone- I was ready to fling myself and hug him tightly.

But.

He was gone.

I sat there, shuddering, touching my lips, licking my fingers and stroking my mouth as if to memorise the heat he left there. It… was painful. I hurt. Everywhere. My heart. My legs. My wrists. My arms. Shoulders. Back. Throat.

I buried my face into the pillow and screamed and cried.

It wasn't fair.

It just wasn't fair.

And so… I'd gone ot the bathroom, taken the razor out…

…The blood is so thick. Thick, warm. It ran down my legs, trickling down my thighs. A straight line scarring my skin, staining it red.

Tears fell.

Blood fell.

I'm…

I'm so sad.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't.

* * *

**I'm sorry… I'm so sorry.**

**The shame I've brought on you. The sadness. Guilt. Anger. It's all my fault. I should have been there to protect you, to kiss you better and to hold you safe. That Ushio will pay. He has to. **

**The whole day. I wanted to ask you out. The reason no one else came was because the rest got my courage up. I had those flowers and the chocolate, my plans were to kiss you and bring you out for dinner. **

**But when I saw you...**

**That tiny boy.**

**So delicately framed.**

**With his heart shaped face.**

**With his weak looking expressions.**

**With his beautiful eyes and tiny mouth…**

**You looked so ill, I couldn't do it. **

**I made up a stupid excuse, pretended I had no feelings for you. But that was not the truth. I love you, Yuugi. It's pointless now, but I love you. **

**And… When my finger touched your lips… Your warm lips… **

**So many thoughts ran through my mind- none of them safe or innocent. I just wanted to hold you- kiss you! But… That unsure look, that little tremble… **

**My courage died.**

**And I'm sorry.**

**So sorry.**

* * *

Mirror on the wall, here we are again  
Through my rise and fall  
You've been my only friend  
You told me that they can't understand the man I am  
So why are we here talkin' to each other again?  
~Mirror, Bruno Mars.


	8. Journal Entry 7

I do not own YugiOh!

**Yami's Thoughts. **

* * *

It's the last page. The last post. I see it. I see it clearly. And this post was dated Today.

This could probably explain what was going to happen. I knew there would be something grave and dangerous in this post-

I'll read with Haste.

For Yugi.

* * *

Teach me passion for I fear it's gone  
Show me love, hold the lorn  
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me  
I'm sorry  
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)  
I live no more to shame nor me nor you  
And you... I wish I didn't feel for you anymore…  
~Dead Boy's Poem, Nightwish.

_Friday, Week 5, Term 2, Year 12._

The blood drips so slowly. Slowly, slowly, slowly; dripping into the sink and staining the white with drops of red. It's so thick, the crimson is like an Egyptian Sunset. The razor in my hand had trembled at that point, my fingers couldn't hold a strong grip on the thin piece of metal.

It was Lunch, just an hour ago. I'm in a free period now, next I have last period with Yami and the rest… No doubt they'll ignore me again. I still can't face Yami after what happened on Monday with the chocolates: It's so embarrassing.

I still feel his fingers on my lips.

But then again, I also feel Ushio's hands on my waist.

For lunch no one really worries for me. So I locked myself in the bathroom and let out all my emotions. It's not a worry, I have my bandages and wrist bands and all my arm warmers- I'm wearing my striped black and red arm warmers now.

I don't know why I'm bothering with hiding it.

I know what I want to do tonight…

I want to end it.

I'm so sick of being left alone- enough is enough. It's not an option to wait any longer for this so called 'attention' from 'friends'. I'm so sick.

So sick.

Sick of waiting…

Sick of hurting…

Sick of the pain.

Yami wouldn't care. No one would care. No one would miss me!

I know they can't miss me!

When I cut myself, I only felt a rush that purging no longer gave me. But it's an empty thrill, it leaves soon, and only leaves the remains of my once perfect veins.

For the whole week…

I know…

I know that it's impossible anymore to try. It's like after Monday, I've closed the door and sent everyone away. It must be my fault- it must be all my fault! I must have done something to bother them, to make them irritated and angry- to make them all ignore me! Tears had fallen from my eyes, dribbling down my nose and dripping down to meet the splotches of spilling crimson. It swirled and mixed, just like the mix of a chocolate cake.

I remained still, standing and staring at the blood in shock. It was as if I'd just realised what was happening: That I was doing this all to myself.

It sucked.

I even fell back, the razor jumping down to the ground and cutting my thigh as I caught myself. I couldn't have slipped into tears faster, I just curled into a ball.

I was tempted to scream '_DAMN IT!_'

But I didn't.

If I did, it was going to be attention- but not the kind I craved for.

Sitting there for five minutes, shaking, pulling down my jeans and slicing a few lines against one of the bruises Ushio laid upon me.

Blood washed the flesh.

Blood soaked the floor.

Blood ran across my boxers, staining the very bottom of the material a strange dark red. I had to force myself to stop, and I had to pull out a roll of thin bandages and clothe my thighs and wrists.

I pulled on my arm warmers and pulled up my trousers, trying to clean up the spilt blood on the floor and in the sink, and I walked out.

It was only quiet when I entered the classroom. No one was in there. Kids were allowed actually to stay in the classroom (Because the teachers locked drawers and took everything that held important work) during Lunch 2, they could study or use the time to read.

I liked it inside. It was lonely, and I wished that my friends were with me (Could I really call them friends now?).

But they obviously didn't want to hang with me- and they also liked hanging outside because it was pretty cool and the weather was nicer than the previous weeks.

I'd sat in the far corner, where my usual seat was, and I curled into a ball.

_I'm going to die._

_Going to die._

_To die._

_Die._

_It's going to end._

_Going to end._

_To end._

_End._

_They won't miss me._

_Won't miss me._

_Miss me._

_Me._

I hadn't used Seto's sleeping pills in the previous nights… somehow I knew I'd be using them later in life, and I guess now was 'later'.

So..

I'm going to die. Swallow the pills, drown in my bath.

Peaceful, ne? The most peace I'll ever have had in a long time. It sounds like a relief, ne? But…

I'm scared. Really scared. This morning, I woke up and I knew a big decision was going to be made. A big one to me, a small one to many others. No one could really say they'd miss me? Ushio would probably laugh and dance on my grave.

…I guess it's not as scary- I mean, I believe in God, so I'm not afraid of feeling… nothingness. But, hell? Suicide was a sin.

But I'd lived a good life.

I'd shrunk in the corner of the room, wrapping my arms around my legs and sobbing. I was scared. Scared. Scared. I am scared now- totally scared.

Maybe today, if the group showed interest in me… Maybe, just maybe, I could change my mind. Maybe grow the confidence to talk to them, and maybe gain the determination to tell Yami. Maybe he'd understand? Maybe they'd help.

I could only hope, right?

Because…

Whether they talked to me or not,

It was a decision of life or death.

This might be my last diary post.

_Good bye Jii-chan. Goodbye Everyone._

_Good bye Yami._

**This can't be possible, this has to be some sort of joke! Some sort of sick joke that Ushio planted- maybe someone else planted this! **

**It can't have been from Yugi!**

**No!**

**I won't believe it…!**

…**But…**

**I can't pretend it wasn't real.**

**I can't pretend I haven't read this. **

**I need to go. **

**I need to help him.**

I never once thought, I'd ever be caught!  
Staring at sidewalks, hiding my track marks!  
I left my best friends, or did they just leave me?

_Fin._

_**A/N: I will write an epilogue. Originally you were supposed to make your own ending, you know, decide yourself if Yugi would live or die… **_

_**Well, now the decision is up for me! **_

_**:) **_

* * *

_**Please wait patiently for this Epilogue ;)**_


	9. Epilogue

**I do not own YugiOh! **

This is my final chapter of 'Journal Entry Number...', so please enjoy...

I really enjoyed writing this story!

This chapter is dedicated to EVERYONE who has read and reviewed on my story! :)

* * *

_Slowly, I sat myself upon the arm of the comfy dark red sofa, patting soft tricoloured hair. "Smile- you look cuter when you grin." I murmured, kissing the tip of his head. I nuzzled my forehead into the soft hair, giggling slightly. _

"_Yuugi…"_

"_Yeah?" I opened my eyes, staring down into Yami's eyes. "What is it?" My smile faded. _

_He grinned at me, pulling me down into his lap gently and stroking my waist. "Here…" A familiar book was laid on my legs as well as a pen, and I looked at it with a distant face. Softly, he stroked my cheek, murmuring, "It's a new notebook- I figured since you left the hospital you might wanna start over." _

_I nodded, grinning at him and kissing his cheek. _

_Squirming a little to become comfortable, I flipped open the front of the notebook and began writing. Yami held a secure hand around my waist. _

* * *

_Your stitches are all out  
But your scars are healing wrong  
And the helium balloon inside your room has come undone  
And it's pushing up at the ceiling  
And the flickering lights it cannot get beyond  
__~One More Time- Regina Spektor._

_Week 1. 2012. New Journal. _

Where to begin?

I'm alive- that's one thing to say. I'm also much happier- it's taken a long time to get that far, but I'm happy now.

Maybe I should also say that I'm with Yami now- the story of that is actually too long to explain… But Yami wants me to write it down. Sort of as a reminder for when we grow 'old and grey' together. I hope he does plan for us to stay together for a long time…

But, I digress.

It's strange. It's been one months since that incident happened, and I'm happy. I know I'm happy- because the blade in Yami's medical kit is still hidden in the linen cabinet.

'The incident' being my suicide attempt. I'm ashamed to think of it now- I'm ashamed to know that I was so weak. Yami thinks I'm overreacting, but he can't understand how I feel for letting him down. Maybe I should explain…

Explain how it all panned out?

It was night at that point. I'd forgotten all about my journal and all of my things- I was just so angry and upset, and I hurt! I really hurt with all my heart- I can still remember the pain in my heart when I cried into my bed for minutes.

I'm heartless to say that I didn't even bid my Jii-chan farewell at that point.

I'd just run up to my room, cried into my pillow for a few minutes before writing on a scrap of paper **'**_**I'm Sorry, I can't do this.'**_

I stared at the paper momentarily back then.

"…" I remember crumpling it up and laying it in the middle of the bed pathetically. I felt so small and worthless at that point, as if no one would even care if I gave an explanation. I'm sure that they wouldn't even mind in the least if I died.

I'd closed all curtains and locked my bedroom door, fishing out the orange container of sleeping pills and running into my bathroom. The bathroom looked cold and unfriendly- my pristine and clean room suddenly looked dirty, as if I'd left all my blood laid across the tiles, all my vomit in the sink and all my tears on the walls.

The reflection in my mirror gave a pitiful stare at me, as if to say 'I feel so sorry for you- your life is worthless and no one loves you. Go kill yourself. Go die. Go drown.', I replied by smashing it in with my fist-

The mirror shattered a little- I guess I was too weak to break the whole thing. But I still bled- I have the small wiry looking scars on my knuckles. But shards fell into the sink, as well as splatters of red blood. I looked back at the crimson mess with a stale face; I felt bad that Jii-chan would have to clean it up.

As if to rub salt into the wound, I gripped a sharp of the mirror and held it to my right wrist. I didn't hold back as I sliced into my skin- it even hurts to remember all of what I'd done- how deep I'd cut. It just counted as one more scar to remember. The blood splattered everywhere on the floor, and there was a straight line of blood sprayed across the wall in front of me.

Impatiently, my fingers had fumbled with the lid of the sleeping pills, and when I opened them, I quickly filled the bath tub with lukewarm water. MY intent was to die and not come back. Hell would be nicer than what I was living in back then.

To be honest, I was high off my mind with adrenaline and the thrill of the pain- I can barely remember any of it. I mean, I remember just chugging at the pills- and even then, I choked on them and had to cough half of them out- but I managed, and they were swallowed down.

At that point, I was sitting on the edge of the bath, holding my wrist tight and praying that maybe one of my friends would find me or stop me… Maybe something like that would happen.

The drugs were taking effect- I'd fallen backwards in the bath- and from then on I can barely remember the rest. …I remember hitting my head on the edge of the bath…

I remember falling asleep…

I remember trying to fight back and climb back out…

I remember failing…

I remember falling asleep…

And then… I also remember being pulled out. Seeing the light. Seeing a blurry handsome face and then a feeling a finger being stuffed down my throat. The finger was familiar, and I felt as if I were in the middle of purging- I made no fight against it, I was so blurry and confused. Pills, water and blood threw itself out of my mouth, they scattered to the ground as if they were marbles. I heard a loud "CALL 911!"

There was a feeling of hands pumping against my chest- I felt my ribs compressing, cracking- and I heard them snap under the pressure- I was slipping out of consciousness and that's because I could barely breathe!

His mouth- yes, it was Yami's mouth- breathed air into my body- and I became aware enough to spit the rest of the water out, it splattered across his cheek (Embarassingly enough) and down my chin.

"…Yugi…" His voice was all wispy and blurred- I could barely understand him, "…Yugi! Stay awake!"

But I fell asleep.

I awoke three days later apparently. The doctors told me Yami's CPR saved me, but also gave me a few broken ribs. For the entire day, I cried. No one came to visit me- no one came. I felt so betrayed. Yami came to save me, but also left me to die yet again. I was too stupid to even realise that no one could really visit because of my 'fragile state' as the nurse put it.

By the way, may I say that the hospital food SUCKED.

The next day, my second day in hospital awake and slightly better, the nurses decreased my painkiller amount, and I was able to have visitors. Jii-chan was the first to come in. But he didn't come alone.

As soon as he walked in, Yami followed after- Jou came after that, then Mai, then Anzu, then Malik, Mariku, Seto and everyone else. I was so happy and confused. They all cried (Except for Seto, Marik and Bakura), and they brought a never ending trail of toys (I remember Jou brought this super big teddy that looked as big as an obese grown man!) and flowers. Anzu cried like a blubbering fish, she insisted that it was her fault.

I found it quite annoying, to be truthful. All I needed when I was half doped up on painkillers was some alien woman soaking my bed sheets with her tears. I was confused.

The only question I could ask was, "Since when do you all care?"

Seto shrugged, looking at Jou as if to ask for help. Jou hopped up from his kneeling position and sat beside me, making sure to stay clear from the tubes in my wrists. "…Yug', you're are best pal- why are ya suddenly doubtin' us?"

I stared at them all, insulted. I never really would have snapped at them if it was the time before I'd tried to kill myself- but I was so sick of guessing, I was so sick of letting them get away with my feelings. "…For the past few weeks, I've been so alone- you haven't even noticed me! I try talking, and you all… You all leave me… either you don't invite me to the movies ro to the arcade or to parties, and sometimes you don't even talk to me in class or school! There's a reason I did this," I stared at the bandaged around my wrist, "There's a reason I tried this… So don't say I'm doubting you." Tears cascaded down my eyes.

Jou spoke up first, "…Yug'… I'm … We're so sorry. We never meant to make you feel that way… Really… Sort of…" He mumbled, "Ta be honest, … I think Yami should explain this." He looked at everyone, and one by one- they all disappeared.

Yami was the only one left.

He sat there, staring at his hands awkwardly.

And I murmured, "Y-Yami…? How did you know? Why did you save me? …How did you know…? How…?" I knew the answer already. I'd been dwelling on it all ngiht. There was only one way he could have found out.

My Journal.

He squirmed a little, "Don't you know the answer already?"

I stared down at him, "Yeah. I do." I sounded surprised myself.

To be truthful, I wasn't even that angry. He'd saved my life. I mean- I didn't know if I wanted to live it anymore, but I somehow felt… happy. Confused, though. Very confused. "…Why did you save me, Yami? Why?"

"I … Yugi, to be honest…"

He didn't want to save me- he must have felt guilt…

I looked away, already angry.

"To be honest, Yugi…." Yami breathed, climbing to me, "Your feelings… And mine…" He paused, stroking my hands, "Yugi…. I love you- I love you!" He was holding my shoulders tightly, "So… Don't think those thoughts anymore!" He put on a weak smile.

The next thing I know, he's kissing me-

And I'm flying on clouds.

From then on, it only became better. Yami explained everything that was going on- everyone apologised- I apologised for my stupidity… Of course, I had to be put on anti-depressants for a while, but a few more days and I'll be off them officially :)

Yami has taken it upon himself to take care of me, and he's even told me to move in with him. I'm really happy- There's always a surprise with him. He holds me every time I have nightmares and always calls me 'aibou', he always makes sure I'm safe and always keeps me included in school- Not that he needs to try, everyone's including me now one way or another. Sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if they're doing this out of guilt, but they always reassure me that everything is fine and that they would never do anything like that.

At least, that's what they tell me.

They told me that back then they tried hard to get Yami to ask me out; that they could barely get him to get the guts- they had tried driving me away until Yami asked me out. I'm embarrassed about it, but I think it's sweet what they did. I'd be heartbroken if it was a lie, but I'm not interested in anymore drama. I'll wait til I calm down, but for now, I'm going to remain a little distant for now.

Even now, no matter what Yami says, I feel ashamed I was so weak. Yami just whispers in my ear that 'common sense' finally found me, and I always tell him that 'that common sense was you!'.

I had been selfish the whole time, believing I was alone. I had seen the glass half empty instead of half full, and I had been greedy. But Yami always tells me that it was just an awful mistake that we both made- and I can't help but blame myself.

There are scars everywhere- scars that are burning my skin like neon lights. Yami says they're beautiful, he's always kissing them better. Always making me feel nice.

Anyway, I'm too happy to worry about the scars, the thin scars warping my skin in dark lines. Yami kisses them every night, so… I can't think I'm unhappy…

Because I'm happy- I'm better. I'm a survivor, and I'll forever owe my heart to Yami.

_**Fin.**_

_It started out as a feeling  
Which then grew into a hope  
Which then turned into a quiet thought  
Which then turned into a quiet word  
And then that word grew louder and louder  
'Til it was a battle cry  
I'll come back when you call me  
No need to say goodbye  
__~The Call, Regina Spektor._

* * *

_Thank you all for reading this story... more reviews are appreciated- seriously. _

_Review._

_Please._

_Thank you :) _


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